


How Do You Ask Someone Out?: Gintoki Knows The Answer

by Sweetysweetssugarytreats



Series: Mockumentaries...sort of [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, M/M, Parody, kind of, mockumentary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 00:50:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20183524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetysweetssugarytreats/pseuds/Sweetysweetssugarytreats
Summary: “And right here we have a rare exemplary of a Vice-Commanderibus in its natural habitat.”





	How Do You Ask Someone Out?: Gintoki Knows The Answer

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 1 hour, 2 minutes and 57 seconds and finished editing it in 2 hours, 2 minutes and 30 seconds. It's never happened before and I don't know how to feel about it.
> 
> Please don't take this thing seriously but I've had this idea for the past two months and I needed to write it.

Gintoki takes a few calculated steps forward, being careful to be inconspicuous.

Which is not inconspicuous at all because he has a hat made out of foliage that he decided to 'build' and use to blend in with his surrounding after watching a show where four best friends on the road to stardom used it to hide in plain sight, resulting in comical situations for the audience to enjoy at home. Of course that was a show and this is real life, so it doesn't work.

It also doesn't help that there is no tree or bush anywhere near and except for hunching over a little he is doing absolutely nothing to hide.

What also doesn't help is the camera he has in hand, using it to film his victi- uh, subject for the important project he has.

Something else that is also not working in his favor is the fact that he is talking out loud and explaining everything he is doing and seeing, and people can actually hear him speak, thus being aware of his presence.

"And right here we have a rare exemplary of a Vice-Commanderibus in its natural habitat." He states in an almost awed tone as he gets closer to the protagonist of the shot.

And that is none other than Hijikata Toshiro.

The Vice-Commander in question has, of course, immediately seen the intruder.

What had not escaped his notice was how the silver-haired samurai tried to climb the fence that gave way to the backyard of the barracks, clumsily putting a leg over the wood while he tried to steady himself with his unoccupied hand.

He fell unceremoniously to the ground.

Quickly the man got back up, seeing Hijikata was not even ten feet away, and began his slow and inconspicuous walk towards him, almost as if the other man couldn't for some reason actually _see him._

The Vice Commander could have called him out, but for the first minute he only managed to stare with his mouth slightly agape at the sheer stupidity he was being exposed to.

"If you look closely you will notice this is one of the species that is addicted to smoke." Gintoki almost whispers to the camera, his finger is randomly moving in the shot as he points to the cigarette half-hanging off of Hijikata's lips. "By doing further research you will also discover that their kind has a mildly disgusting, but quite fascinating to the expert eye, addiction to mayonnaise."

After the first minute mark Hijikata deems it as enough time spent putting up with this kind of idiocy. Until he finally notices the camera in his hand, the moron has the visible part of his face pulled into a weirdly focused dead-fish stare as he is… filming?

"What the hell are you doing you idiot!? Get that thing off my face!" He shoos him away with a hand and Gintoki takes a step back, taking a careful stance like he would do in case he was dealing with a wild animal.

"Oh, it seems it has noticed me."

Hijikata's brow is ticking, seconds away into setting off his explosing irritation. "Who the hell are you calling 'it'? I'm not a psychotic clown that does disturbing things to kids, oi!"

"A word of advice for whoever is thinking about doing anything of the like: This species is also very scared of horror movies, so if you ever think of taking them on a date, avoid that kind of genre or you might end up strangled and probably scared for life too. But I don't like horror movies either, so it's fine."

"The fuck are you talking about?! Did you finally go insane? Has the stupidity managed to reach your last-standing neuron too?"

"This type also belongs to the rare kind of workaholicons, so when you ask them out make sure to do so on their day off to have a higher chance of receiving a positive answer."

"Why are you saying that while interrupting me in the middle of work huh?! And stop ignoring me and talking to imaginary people behind that stupid camera! Why the hell are you here and what are you doing?!" Hijikata marches up to him and practically yells in his face, fed up with whatever is happening.

"I'm filming a documentary." Gintoki finally reveals the big reason of why he is currently interrupting Hijikata's work.

The man's eyebrows furrow in the middle of his forehead and he looks surprisedly confused. "…About?"

"Rare species in the world." Gintoki explains nonchalantly. "Like madaos, wigs, ginormous dogs, mayoras, and the list goes on and on."

"Those are not rare species! And who the hell are you calling 'mayora' you permpuff?!"

"I have a proposition for you." The samurai with silvery curls continues calmly, ignoring him.

"I don't want to hear any of it." Hijikata scoffs and turns away, deciding to ignore the man for the next minute, and if the idiot is still here afterwards then he will just kick him until he gets the message and finally leaves.

"Oh, but you might be very interested in it, actually, Vice-Commanderibus." There is a hint of absolute certainty in Gintoki's voice that, again, doesn't go unnoticed and makes Hijikata's body slowly turn towards him out of pure curiosity.

But what also doesn't go unnoticed is the nickname being used for a second time. "The fuck did you just call me? That is seriously the weirdest one you've used yet. Do you need to go to the hospital or something? Did you slam your head so hard you're having a concussion now? Is this what's happening here?"

Gintoki once again ignores whatever he is saying and with an unnaturaly large amount of confidence very few people have, he finally confesses the real reason he especially came here for.

"Go out with me."

The camera catches the vivid red on the man's cheeks quite nicely, as Gintoki will notice later watching the footage in hd and be really glad he stole- uhm, borrowed, borrowed of course, Zura's camera to film his documentary.

His friend was using it to film his pet amanto wearing a ballerina suit, resembling one of those mothers who cheers way too loudly at their daughter's performance, so it is no big deal at all that Gintoki took the camera from them.

His documentary is much more important, obviously.

"Th-the- u-uh- w-what?!" Hijikata is a stuttering mess, tomato red from head to toe and his brain has not fully grasped the meaning of what he has been asked quite yet. When it does so, however, his jaw drops to the ground so fast his cigarette flies away from his lips.

"N-No!" His denial immediately kicks in as a fight or flight response and his mouth is running, uncaring of his real feelings. "Never! Not even in a million years! Not even if we were the last two people standing on earth! No, you know what? If the earth ends up swallowed by the sun in this exact moment and we are the only two left in the entire universe and for some messed up reason the only way we can revive the population is by getting together then, well… the answer would still be no!" He is breathing heavily by the end, staring warily at the samurai and trying to calm his racing heart. No success there.

"You finished yet?" But Gintoki doesn't even seem fazed.

If Hijikata had been a child he would have probably stomped his foot endlessly and pouted exaggeratedly for not being able to get a reaction out of the man. Instead he just crosses his arms and looks away with a half-muttered answer under his breath. "Yeah."

"If you go out with me I'll buy you three bottles of mayonnaise a day for two weeks straight." Gintoki states flatly, like he hasn't done all of this just to build up to this exact moment.

Hijikata looks to the side, for a split-second weighing his options and considering taking this decision that could possibly end up changing everything and more about his life as he currently knows it. Then his eyes find ruby ones and ultimately he answers-

"Deal."

Gintoki smirks to himself. With mayonnaise thrown in the game he knew it would be easy to win the man's heart, straight through his stomach. However he frowns when he thinks about his wording of choice.

"…Well, not that _straight…"_

"What did you say?"

"Nothing."

* * *

"Last week we asked you to send in a documentary you filmed personally about a fascinating animal of your choice and whoever had the most interesting one would end up winning our special prize." Ana Ketsuno explains people at home, reading the words in the teleprompter behind the camera. "It was a quite a pleasant surprise to see how many of you participated, but the victory can go out only to the best documentary."

She is handed an envelope off camera, which she quickly opens up and scans over. "And the winner is…" After a carefully considered amount of time they call 'suspence' but the audience at home calls 'pointless wait that makes you go insane', she finally announces the winner. "Gintoki Sakata!"

There is a round of applause and Ana is about to talk some more and then roll in the clip of the documentary in question, but she falls silent, as the rest of the people in the studio, when Gintoki actually steps in the recording frame and waves at seemingly no one in particular.

"Thank you, thank you."

"Sir, you didn't actually have to be here." Someone whispers to him. "We would have sent the prize to your address-"

Gintoki ignores them and takes a random microphone he sees laying around, sending a charming smile, in his opinion, at Ana Ketsuno, who looks more confused than anything.

"I just want to say to all the people that didn't believe in me… look where I am now. I won." But then he smirks in a way that most people around him have dubbed as assol-ish. "I'm just kidding, of course it is obvious someone as charismatic, intelligent, ambitious and successful as me only has adulators left and right."

Hijikata rolls his eyes at the dumbass. For some reason he was dragged here to hear 'the winner's speech'. He keeps ignoring the rest of whatever comes out of the idiot's mouth and focuses on drinking from his bottle of mayonnaise. The people near him take a few steps back and nearly gag at the way he is downing the condiment.

"-and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you score a boyfriend." Gintoki finishes with a cheeky wink, obviously feeling very smug.

"Wait…" Hijikata narrows his eyes in a moment of clarity from the addictive fog of mayo clouding his brain. "Didn't you say this was a documentary of rare species of some sort?"

"Uhh…" Gintoki looks kind of lost at the cameras in front of him.

How does one go about telling that the only reason they filmed a documentary in the first place was to ask someone out?

He decides to just shrug and waves Hijikata off with his hand. "Details."

Hijikata frowns, but as he is about to further prod at the unconvincing argument he is interrupted by the idiot, who looks suspiciously serious.

"However what I have won today is much more important than a simple prize." Gintoki whispers lowly, head downcast and hand over his heart. "Because today is the day I finally won… his heart."

There is almost a veil of silence hanging over the studio, a random bout of clapping can be heard and someone is even sniffling at the touching words.

But then Gintoki breaks character and grins. "Nah, I'm just kidding, I'm only here for the prize. Seriously, I want my money."

Hijikata is two seconds away from a face-palm. Preferably with his palm landing in Gintoki's face.

"…Shouldn't we, I don't know, kick him out?" A worker whispers to his colleagues.

But one of the producers standing there shakes his head as he sees the ratings steadily climbing up and motions with his hand to continue. "As long as it's entertaining people will pay for it, so give him the prize and keep rolling."

They never notice there is another envelope thrown in the trashcan just outside the studio.

_And that is how Gintoki not only won a small amount of money that he used to buy parfaits for himself and play pachinko, but he also found a boyfriend._

_And all of this because his documentary on rare species won._

_Next time you are thinking about asking your crush out, do it Gintoki's way. 78% rate of success guaranteed._

_Fin_.

Katsura turns off his television and looks quite unimpressed at his reflection on the black screen after twenty or so minutes of being subjected to Gintoki's documentary in the promises of it being a revelatory new genre that would blow him out of his mind.

Katsura feels like strangling someone, if it wasn't for his good heart Gintoki would be suffocating already.

"And I could not record Elizabeth's top performance because of… _this?_ Ridiculous."

Next to him Elizabeth raises a placard. '_He was just jealous we would have won if we had filmed our documentary. I look sexy in a tutu.'_

**Author's Note:**

> Gintoki didn't really win. He wrote his name in another envelope and exchanged it with the real one.
> 
> Real Talk: Zura and Lizzy might have ended up winning for real if Gintoki didn't steal their camera.


End file.
